Lately I really

feel like I’m rollin’ for delph like Philly;

feel like I’m losin’ control of myself; I sincerely

apologize if all that I sound like is I’m complainin’

but life keeps on complicatin’

and I’m debatin’

on leavin’ this world this evening

even my girls can see I’m grievin’;

I try and hide it but I can’t..

Why do I act like I’m all high and mighty

When inside I’m dying, I am finally realizing I need help..

Can’t do it myself, too weak

two weeks I’ve been having ups and downs

Going through peaks and valleys..

dilly dallying around with the idea

of ending the shit right here.

Nothin’ much. I’m just on the verge, and feelin’ some urge to get back on the blogging scene. Though most tidbits of what’s been goin’ on has been on my Twitter page, I’m suddenly getting more inclined to write big shit again, and I’m more leaning towards Tumblr as the site of it as to any other blog sites. Hmmmm, we’ll see…

    It’s summer of 2009, and so far nothing much has been going on with me. I didn’t expect that it would be this boring, or never even thought that I actually would want to go back to school and do what I do. But I would like to believe that I am a man that values anything, so obviously I wouldn’t just let this precious free time to be of no value. I might not yet be doing much, but I have done something that I realized was pretty essential to me. With all the time I had, I had the chance to reflect, think about my life. I was able to look back on what made me what I am now, and look forward to where I want to be. I asked myself questions like how am I, what am I missing, what do I really want, what is really important, what am I going to do, and most importantly, what do I really want to be.

     So how am I? Honestly, I think I’m not doing that well. I feel like what’s going on with my life right now is not living up to the level of my satisfaction. It’s not that I’m ungrateful with what I have, I actually feel I am somehow blessed, but there’s still this void inside of me. I spend summer midnights finding it hard to sleep wondering why is it that I am somehow feeling incomplete.

     So I think that could lead to the question of what am I missing? I have to be honest, it’s really hard to answer that and admit that I am actually feeling incomplete, but that’s life right? Nothing is really ever complete. That’s what we live for, to find what’s missing. So back to it, what are those that I think are not filling the void? They’re two things, even considered the bests in life. They are HAPPINESS, the kind brought about by others, and LOVE, in its truest possible form. It’s not that I’m totally deprived of it, come on, I’m also living a normal life and I can say that have had ounces of both, and I have to say it really feels great somehow. I think the void was made by cold fact that I have never really been able to fully grasp both and have complete possession of them.

     When I looked backed, I realized that I spent quite that much time in my life and gave an overrated importance in finding and chasing the ever-elusive thing they call LOVE. I have honestly fallen for a lot of women, and the only funny thing I have learned is that I have an exemplary skill of falling for the wrong ones. When I was just a kid, they were all just puppy love and not the deep form, so nothing really happened out of them but I’d always be thankful for the experiences. I got to admit they provided smiles on my face back in the day. Then came this time in high school where I really fell hard for this one girl. I knew what was inside of me was real, and it was strong. I had a chance to meet her, and eventually somehow we became close. I courted her in an effort to profess my love for her. We had potential, but for some reasons that I still could not fathom up to this day, it just didn’t work out. That really destroyed me. It was one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt in my life. Then just lately in college, I had fallen for another one, but it just turned out to be somewhat a disappointment. We were actually, really great together, but there were certain things that came to my awareness and when I really got a closer look, it made me think otherwise and reconsider what I was going to do. So to sum up my love history, most of it just had been frustration. It’s hard to blame me to be longing for the real one.

     Now about the happiness that others bring, from friends to be exact, I have obviously experienced that feeling myself. It’s always good to know that there are always going to be people that would always be there for you in everything. It’s just that in my case, fate seems to have always find a way to cut the closest friends I had out of my life. They’re not totally out of my life, but you know, when you grow apart, things unconsciously and even unintentionally start to change, until you know it’s not the same anymore. A lot of really close friends of mine had come and gone, some have changed, and some had even forgotten. The stupid thing is that no matter how many people had walked in and out of my life, I had never gotten used to that feeling of loss when they walk out. I guess I’ll just have to learn to accept the fact that some people really have to leave sometimes, though it is really hard.

     So what are those that I want? LOVE and HAPPINESS? I guess, maybe still a little. Having little good tastes of both and then just being taken away from you is always painful, but then again, what doesn’t kill you should make you stronger right? Due to my experiences, I had begun to think that maybe that true LOVE and perfect HAPPINESS is not yet for me right now, and I’m not going to continue to frustrate myself by relentlessly trying to chase both and force the issue. I just thought that I just had to be patient about love, and make the most out of the time I have with whoever I have right now without thinking of when they have to leave. I get a good amount of happiness anyways, so that’s good enough. And about love, maybe I’m just going to have to wait for it until I see what I’m looking for and what’s really meant for me. I know it will come in the right time.

     There’s something else that I really want, and need, that I know attaining them is completely in the power of my own hands. And they’re POWER, SUCCESS, and GREATNESS. They too are the answers to my question of what’s really important. I spent most of my life being blinded by my emotions going after the unnecessary things only to end up getting frustrated, and even sometimes totally hurt. And when you just keep on getting frustrated and hurt, you’d know that something’s not right and you got to wise up. Let your BRAIN get over your HEART. And I had. PAIN has been the only thing constant in my life, so constant that it’s becoming a friend, something that I could even smile at. Through all the pain I’ve learned that I should not let it break me down. Instead, I should use it, control it. Let my scars remind me of what I’ve been through, and drive me to where I’m supposed to be destined. And I would like to make greatness and being powerful as my destiny. Now I know what are those that I really want and what I can get by without. Friendship is a fairytale; RESPECT and FEAR are the best you can hope for. An entity of a popular villain had also shed me some light of good thoughts on power. It perfectly came to my knowledge that POWER is the key to “happily ever after”, because when you have it, you can have everything else and keep it that way. Now I’m even more driven in attaining it. POWER could be my salvation.